#115: Dalton Lauer

0:01 Welcome to another episode of a come together and we're live, we're live we're live. It's awesome. Welcome back, brother. I'm. Excited to be back again. Dude, I felt the last time like we got cut off. Well, I cut us off, but I felt you could have gone for a while. So I'm happy that we do in Part 2 all I want. Yeah, that's sweet. Celebrating. We're celebrating today. Dalton just closed the deal to. Very happy about as someone that has never closed a real estate deal despite having my license for like a summer.

0:42 And I just found that out today, listened to your podcast with Chris. Oh there, you're awesome. December Yeah, dude, I'll show you after my wallet. I have, I still have my picture from my from my New York, NY state certification or whatever it was. It's crazy, but. It's a different beast too. Like it's. It was tough. I can imagine as hell dude, but I had to cheat the pass the pass the test. I think everyone cheats. I think that's I. Heard not like much to to pass like to get into it you know the. So, yeah, when I was in college, I didn't, I, I was, I remember as I was a creative writing literature major, I had tons of free time. I was hanging out, drinking a lot, hanging out with my buddies, playing basketball and I was like, maybe I'll try for my real estate license.

1:25 I went online on Groupon. Cheers. And I found, you know, those like Groupon classes like, you know, like off like 1000 dollars, $50.00 for like a real estate like class, whatever. So I signed up one of those classes and the reason why I take 50 bucks is because it doesn't prepare you at all for anything. So I spent all the time on these, you know, modules and like going through these slides and I took the test. I'm like, I don't know any material that's on here. None. Well, that's a crazy thing. Is the test itself, the material you study, is so different than the test itself? Yes. And then you get into real estate and it's totally different. From the test, what they teach you in the. Schools because the schools vary like law and literature and like basically just how to not get yourself end up in jail. Yeah.

2:16 And then you get into the real life and you're like, I have to learn sales. I have to learn interpersonal relationship building. I have to all marketing, like all of this stuff that you are not you didn't even know. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. I think the reason why they do that probably or if I were to do that, the reason I would do that is because I would say that you can learn all those kind of skills, but you can't. Like most of the stuff that's on the test are legal and our thing, if you're going to be representing someone buying a house, there's a lot of repercussions to that. And so like they want to make sure that all like the technical bases are covered and they figure that like sales and like interpersonal relationships and being on top of your leads and following up and all that stuff like that comes with with time anyway, you know? Yeah, that's why it's good to get under some good like leadership or mentorship, Why just once you're new in the business and you can learn that stuff as well. And you said that.

3:07 You say we were going to pick right up. You said that so so we ended last episode ending with you leaving Afghanistan with the shit show that it was and then you and then we had to run out. And you're telling me that you started doing real estate while you're still in the military? Yeah. So I would have gotten back from my deployment and had one month until my date of separation from the military. What does that mean? That means like they still pay you for a month or whatever. They still. You are, yeah, like, no, most people you get back from the deployment, you continue your career. It is what it is. I would have gotten back and I had one month left in my time of service that I signed up for until I would have been out.

3:50 And it's really a process if you want to prepare yourself to get out. Like they have classes that you go through. It's called TAPS. With that. Transition assistance program and you can do it at any point in your career. Most people suggest do it at least one year before your data separation. In my class, there's half the class was raising their hands there one week from their separation. And I'm thinking we get so much information on how to utilize our benefits and prepare ourselves for the next stage of our life, and you guys are only getting here one week before your separation. How are you going to use or implement any of? This. Yeah, yeah. So fortunately I had a buddy who had told me about the program and just at this point I'm I'm getting my real estate license while I'm on my deployment. That's why I was studying.

4:41 I was taking the test out there. Was a lot of work. Do you put a lot of time in too? Not. Really. Yeah. Fortunately I had a lot of time when I wasn't flying missions. I was free, so it was the gym. It was, yeah, and it was real estate while. Everyone else was playing video games. I was studying for real estate. Good for you, man. And so, yeah, so from there, man, I forgot the question now. It was just that you that you were studying for it and preparing yourself before you left for. Coming out, right. So, yeah, so I got back from it. I decided I was going to extend my contract with the military one year longer so that I didn't just get out and have one month to get out. So that gave me enough time from there to start planning, preparing and, you know, just setting myself up.

5:25 And that's when I decided I was going to start interning with a real estate brokerage. So I would do my full day at work with the military. I'd get off and then I would go to a brokerage and they would let me do all kind of their admin work and anything I can do by the. Way that's the best, Just hands on experience. Like, that's the best way. That's a better way to learn than to study. No, absolutely, absolutely. Because it's real world scenarios like and like we said, the stuff from the test isn't what's applicable that much in your day-to-day. So I was getting that day-to-day. I was kicking that learning curve early because doing open houses on the weekend. Fortunately, again, my fiance, she's off doing her thing with schooling. We're not living together yet.

6:07 So I'm still able to just go all in on myself, development and focus on my future. And so yeah, doing the real estate stuff. And then it was, there's a program called skill bridge in the military. It's open to all branches. And I hope people hearing this in the military will take more advantage of it because a lot of people don't know about it or don't take advantage of it. Skill bridge. Skill bridge up to six months prior to your data separation, you can get approved for an internship where they have a list of places you can go. And if it's not on there, you can try and get that company on boarded. And I found a real estate brokerage to was they had a hybrid model.

6:49 So it was like online slash in person because if it's all online, they don't let you actually leave the base because why would they pay for you to leave and when it's just online? So this hybrid model worked out for what I was trying to do, which is get to Florida and be with my fiance. You know, what were you at this point? Where was I was in California. OK, my last base. Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, Northern Cali. And so yeah, he gave me the opportunity because I was looking with different brokerages, some in Tampa, some in like Miami, one staying in Cali. So there were options, but it. You're looking at the big names like Douglas Element or whatever. You're looking at like smaller shops that are giving you more like.

7:29 I'm working on whatever was on the list and I did reach out to the brokerage I'm with now, one Sotheby's, because the broker, I was in the Air Force with his son. Oh cool. Really? So I had. Flown with it with his son and there was the connection made. I reached out Tim and Sotheby's is a luxury brand and so they kind of take brand new ages. Yeah. So he was willing to try and make it work, but because they weren't already on the list, it's like a six month process to get. Wow. So I was like, Dang, that's not going to work out and I'm not. All those like luxury, like luxury homes in like Miami and Surfside and all those places, that's, that's the kind of places we cover. They're all over. Yeah.

8:09 Sotheby's is like the number one global brand. They're global luxury. Yeah, they're global. They're all over the world. Got you. Bigger than Douglas, bigger than like. Than Douglas Douglas Alderman. I don't even think they know about them in like Spain or like around the world. I could be wrong. I don't know. Maybe I'm biased. Maybe I'm biased, but in my mind, Sotheby's is the best. And so, yeah, so I was super excited to be joining them under the leadership of some of the father that I flew in the Air Force with. And then it didn't work out, but there was an option with Exp Realty, which is kind of this newer real estate model. They're very like the brokerage itself is online. And then so that was with the hybrid model.

8:52 So I was able to move to Florida be with my fiance. They I only got approved for four months early. And so for four months I got to move here, I got to start practicing real estate. It was my full time thing and so I just hit the ground paid. By the military. While still getting paid by the. Four months. So obviously four months of like. Yeah, transitional time. Seriously. Yeah, that's huge because I was telling Chris yesterday, like I spent two months doing sales in the city. I didn't do any sales. I just lost a ton of money. It would be so helpful to have that opportunity to like, have a learning curve and like, do that, you know, like I spent money and time going for my parents upstate to the city. Every day I'd take a bus for two hours or a drive in and spend $30 each way to cross the GW Bridge and you know, and like, and you got lunch and you go out and like, all of a sudden you're like, where'd all this money go? And I'm going, I'm not making anything yet. I'm not.

9:45 Coming in and it takes sometimes months, yeah. People. Yeah. Most people don't have that opportunity. It's awesome, yeah. So for four months I was very blessed because I was able to kind of go through my training period, get out there, start marketing myself. The only thing is, if I close a deal, I couldn't take that income because you can't get paid while you're in the military's can. You get a bonus or can you get like anything? No, no, you can't get paid at all. So timing, right? Actually, I was only approved for three months, but one month of that was my, they call it leave your time off, your paid time off. And so I had one month of that. So I used that and within that time, even though I'm still with the military, your net, you can now double dip cool, because only in that time here where it's your time off.

10:31 So you close anything then? So fortunately for me, right as my time and service ended, I got my first rental deal and it was from my family. So it's not like. Rental deals here was it here where was it it was here so rental I know that in the city typically they do I think one month rent or 20% of the annual. I think 20% of the annual rent. What do they do here? It's. Different per brokerage and per realtor and you know everyone takes whatever Commission their. First month, last month or 10% of the year? The typical is one month and that's split between both sides. If there's oh really on both sides, OK, got you. Then you're getting half of that. I think you're getting percentage of that because you're the agent under brokerage. So the brokers take like let's say you get. Brokerage takes enough.

11:18 You get one month, you get one month, you split that 5050 between the buyers and the seller, you know, between both representatives, and then you get let's say 30% of that half that first month's rent. If my broker's only giving me 30%, I would have quit. Yeah, Now is that what they did in New York? In New York. Mine's 8020 but I also. You get 80, they get 20. They keep 20, I keep 80. That's a lot. And so normally it's like 7030. They keep 30, I got 8020. And then and as you progress through your career and as you bring them more money, you can renegotiate the Commission split. Yeah. And so, yeah, for now, that's that's what it.

11:59 Is that's awesome. It is that's awesome. By the way, I, I think mine was 6040 in the brokerages favorite. So I'll get 40% of the one months rent for closing the deal because they claim they hey, they, they don't claim they, they have the leads and they have the, you know, they gave you all the work And so they're like. Right. And if a brokerage is giving you a lot, it can be worth it to like put that with them Exp. It was like one of those ones where it was like 9010. And so it's more attractive, but it's also an online brokerage. So you don't get that face to face with your broker. You don't have that like in office presence like so that's why I say every brokerage is different. Some now there's 100% you keep 100% of Commission.

12:42 I'm like but those. Brokerages. Why do they do nothing? They give you nothing. It's just. It's just something for you to keep to just a brokerage for you to associate park. Your license, right? Exactly. But it's not really going to get anything out. So what do they get out of that? If, if you, if, if I'm a brokerage and you're keeping 100 and I'm giving you 100%. You probably have a monthly fee or something. Gotcha. OK, that would be my guess. And then they're just betting on a bunch of agents who may or may not do business with them, really don't really do much for them, but they're paying a monthly subscription. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. There's all these different models. OK, cool. Yeah, there's nothing about. Yeah. So I started with the Exp during that internship and then not long after that realized it wasn't I was actually on a team because it was through this internship and it was like prior military people who knew about this program got their real estate team on the program. And then they're all in California. I'm the only agent in Florida.

13:39 And I had a lot of access to them and they had a ton of resources for me. Like for like the first three months of living here, I was just like on their portal everyday studying, learning, There was a ton of good stuff, but I didn't have that support. I didn't have that mentorship that I was hoping for. So that's when I was like, OK, actually I didn't even reach out the broker I was talking about commenting on my Instagram story was like, hey, like, I think it's time we like repay. You're doing well. Do you make that story? Do you make that video? The story The other day, you had a funny video on your story, I think yesterday or two days ago about shit, dude, you have to pull it up. I don't remember what it was, but it was super well edited. It was funny and it was about like that feeling of like, oh man.

14:27 Wait, was it like the avocado toast? Thing yes yes yes yes the avocado toast thing that when you start buying avocado toast, you can afford all these to afford all your. Apartment I didn't make it, but I was dying laughing when I saw that because that's like total Dave Ramsey's big on like I think that comes from him where he's like people just stopped buying avocado toast dude take. $15 first like. Sourdough bread. It was just sourdough. Some avocado. Give me $15. Yeah. No, our generations financial problems would be solved if we just stopped buying avocado toast. Yeah, that's it. We would have own houses. Mansion. Sure. These. Sure. Sure, for sure. So that video cracked me up. They did a very good job. I wish I could make videos that good. Usually usually work on that too, because I feel like that's what would make a difference in like today's world, what people are looking for especially like because younger, the younger generations becoming adults and they're, I even know what to call it the younger generation, right. I don't even know what the term is, but kids that were growing up on social media with reels and with all and videos and stuff and entertainment like mixed with business. Yeah, it's great advertising.

15:32 It really is. And I, I used to do that like back when I was in with the last brokerage, I was trying heavily to focus on, you could scroll through my Instagram and see a couple. Yeah, I was trying to make like edutainment videos where it's like educational and entertainment and I got good feedback. It was. But dude, I don't like some process of trying to film my whole day or like shoot all these videos and then sit down, edit them. And then it's just like it's exhausting and it's not what I wanted to be doing, so if I could. By the way, that's what I don't do meals for my own podcast, dude. It's because I don't have the patience for it. Yeah, it's a lot. I mean, eventually maybe hire somebody, hire somebody and that would be ideal, but it's a lot and it and honestly, I have been having this resistance with real estate, which is also kind of shifting my mentality towards like.

16:23 The personal resistance. Hard for me to want to put in that additional work to like shoot videos and stuff. What do you mean resistance? Like from yourself? Like you're not sure whether you want to stay in it or not. Yeah. So for me, real estate was bridging that gap between ideally becoming an investor in real estate at some point, owning my own portfolio, scaling that through rentals. But you don't just get out of the military with little income and jump into that. Yeah, sure. So for me, it was like, oh, well, I can get my real estate license. I can learn the insurance and outs of the business. I can build capital, keep that as my business and then find deals and bring them in as my, my as I go along.

17:07 Yeah. However, three years into the business, I realized that like, I'm not fully fulfilled in my role. Sure. It's that I think coupled with the disconnect after being in the military, I think there's like a silent battle that all veterans go through. It's like a mental struggle just of like lack of purpose or fulfillment or. What I do IP games? What's that you gotta do? IP game or shrooms or some kind of psychedelic or something. Like that, right? To pull me out of that, Yeah, even. Thinking about that, well also being a real estate agent is, I mean you work as hard as you choose to work. Right, right.

17:49 It's a joke that. It's a joke that every Jewish mom in South Florida is a real estate agent, you know, because like whenever they feel like, you know, they have 345 kids, that whatever you feel, whatever work you feel like doing, you can do. And the days that you want to work, you do. And if you don't want to do a show when you cancel and like it's OK, no one really cares, you know, like, right. Or you could be like, I have a friend of mine from, from my gap year and his dad passed away, I think when he was a junior or senior in high school and, and he got his real estate license as soon as he went to college and he started hustling crazy and he was able to take his family on like this vacation to Israel from America. Like I'd say, I don't know exactly.

18:31 I'd say four or five people, fly them across the world, you know, put them up in this hotel for 10 days and take them back. And because he spent. A year and a half, two years hustling his ass off, you know, and and he did it and like he turned it into like a legitimate business. He became a three guys on brokerage, you know, license and he opened the brokerage of his own name and he's doing his own thing. But like, as you know, like there's every everything in between the Jewish moms and this and that kind of guy, you know, it's a full scale. Spectrum of like the agents who are running their business like a business, they show up every day, they're kicking ass and the people who wake up and they wait until something falls in the bond. Check it out.

19:13 Boxers all day. Right, Hanging out the pool when someone gives you a call, you know, and so I've always tried to be the person that is very disciplined, schedule, routine. And for me, you know, there's a lot of things I love about real estate. There's a lot of things I hate about real estate. And so trying to find fine balance between that. Honestly, I couldn't tell you where I'm at with it right now because I've been trying, I've been battling with like where I want to take it, trying to remember that this wasn't my end goal, that this is just like a part of the process. And I think in life there's a fine balance of like doing things that you don't like, sacrificing for their greater good.

19:55 And also remembering that you have to chase what really lights you up and have fulfillment because otherwise, what are you living with? Like what's the purpose of life? You know, I think there's too many people that get to that end stage and they're like, I wish I would have done things differently. I hear it all the time. I've asked very successful real estate developers. People who are older, wiser. And I'm like, what would you have done differently? Or if you could go back and like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have done it. I would have done that totally something really. You know, they say that and I'm like, yeah, yeah, I've had, I've talked to a billionaire who's like, he's a top 10 on the Forbes list and he's said the same thing. Really. You know, I'm like, is that true, though? Because you have something, you have such a legacy. I think it is dude.

20:40 The only reason why I think that is because people that especially people that are billionaires, especially people that have like built that much, there's a level of trying to accomplish something, something. And you know, a lot of times if you don't know what you're trying to accomplish, you turn to money or business or power, right? Because like, like if you're trying to find meaning, if you're trying to find, you know, someone that will accept you in your life, I'd say you were rejected as a kid your whole life or your parent or you felt like your parents didn't pay enough attention to whatever it was. Or even if it's subconscious, even if you don't know, you know, and like all you want to do is try to get people to pay attention to you. An unhealthy Ave. is to try to get attention in any way that you can't.

21:25 You know, it doesn't make a difference who's paying attention to you, how much time you spend doing it. You know, you know, whether it's destructive to your other relationships, whether it's destructive to your hobbies or your passions. Like it's like this thing that you want that's driving you, that's getting you there. And then there's the people that like know what they're looking for in their lives. And then when they and by accomplishing it, they're happy. And they don't need to get to billions that billionaire status. They don't need to get to Forbes top ten status or to any of that. They're like like, you know, they're just people that have extraordinarily successful careers at what they do and have happy lives with their family and their friends and they just like live happy lives and die happy people, you know, and like. And that's the goal. It's like, yeah.

22:05 That's the goal. Pursuing that like extra wealth so you can live comfortable, so you can bless other people in their lives, but not doing it at the sacrifice of like being a workaholic, your family, not feeling like you're around things like that. Like that's all I feel like in my military career in the earlier days, I like fully absorbed that identity of like trying to just be a go getter, climb the ladder, climb the ranks. And like, I didn't care if like I had to step on toes, like I was progressing and I was doing it fast. And then I look back, I'm like, man, I wish I would have taken a break and focused on some of the relationships, been a better mentor to others around me. And so now that's, that's a big focus in the line. It's just like giving back.

22:52 And like that's also like look, look back and help others get to where you. There's got to be really great ways to be able to make a career out of something like that while both being successful and of yourself and also being inspirational and motivational. For sure there's gotta be. I think social media, that's one of the nice things about social media, is there. You can just shoot a video and say what's on your mind. But then it's also falls back to that part of me doesn't want to do that because I don't want to have my phone in front of me all the time. Yeah, I want like. Real. It's exhausting, dude, It's exhausting. In it for sure, for sure, for sure, yeah. It's funny, it's funny that you say that because recently I've been like for for a couple years, I only like, I associated my well, my well-being with how productive I was, right?

23:41 And so I was trying to always jam more in how to be more efficient, how to be more productive, how to do this better and spend my time better and, you know, utilize this and that and that. And at a certain point I was like, I'm not even, I'm not even enjoying what I'm doing. Like the thing I love, I love writing, I love playing guitar. I love, I love, I love sales. I love talking to customers and getting them to and get, and, you know, and, and making a connection with someone and then having them buy something. I mean, like, I trust you over XYZ competitor and I'm going to buy something from you. I'm like, that's awesome, you know, but but I was so focused on like optimizing that I didn't focus on like being present, being a dad. You know, I have a 2 1/2 year old and I have a 2 month old and I'm like, I'm so busy running around doing things for them and doing things with them that I was like, but without actually being present in like what I was actually doing, you know, that I that at a certain point I was like, I'm not even like, I'm even like I'm blacking out my days, you know, like, you know, and like. What did you do today?

24:41 And you're like, so much I look at my list because I have to keep a list for everything and check it off. And that's how I am. I'm like, how do I not remember my whole day and or the day before? I'm like, because everything for me is like, become a list. I have to check it off. Yeah. Do you take time to, like, sit down and reflect and like, yeah. Leave reflect. I started to more. I do well, I started to on a regular basis. I've always done it on like a, let's say a weekly basis or whatever because I like to write a lot. So when I write that's very, that's a lot of reflective time, just like. Journaling. Yeah. I'll do either, I'll either write what are called, but I called dear me letters, which are just like dear me. Things are pretty good.

25:26 I'm happy about this, but I'm not happy about this, you know, but and then a lot of times my fingers are just like go and I'll write things that I've never said or even realized that I was thinking before. And I'm like, oh shit, you know, there's a real. Power to it. And I'm learning this as well. Like this has become a new thing for me. But I listened to your last podcast with Chris. Yeah. And you guys were talking about the breathing. Yeah. And so that's something. That breath work dude. Doing breath work, have you? Yeah, and what do you think, dude? A lot of people to talk to him about this, so I'm glad that. Wow, I'm going to my first class this week. Oh, really? Yeah. We've done it at a class. Yeah, But have you heard of, like, Wim Hof? No, Wim Hof.

26:09 Great. So Wim Hof is a guy who he's set all these different world records and he's really big into like going into ice cold. Like he's big on the cold plunges, but breathing and like different things. And I can't remember how I came across and it was a long time ago. And then when I was going through this rut with like work and then being out of the military and trying to find my place, I came into like the breathing exercises. And so I found I saw the William Hoff and I was like, Oh, this is crazy. I was doing this previously in a very similar way.

26:50 And now I have someone who's like teaching me, like showing it. So I, I did the program and really got into like right now I would say like I'm in the space of like learning the profound effects that come, isn't it? Crazy. Wait, so tell me some of your experiences that you have, if any any come to mind. But yeah, sure. So the Wim Hof specifically is like supposed to like boost your mood, your energy. It's good for like combating like depression, anxiety. OK. And I know that there's different types of breathing. There's like the much faster style. That's like hyperventilating. Yeah, like Holotropic, yeah, or something. There's all these different ones.

27:30 So I'm in the process of experimenting with these different breathings and seeing what brings it to me. Wim Hof I really enjoy. Then there's another one that's called Breathe with Sandy on YouTube. OK. And this guy, he does a lot of different ones. And when I do some of the breathing, since you're asking about my experience, there's been times where like, and this is when I'm like really deeply breathing and like pushing through that mental block and my hands will cramp up and that. And they say like, oh, like there's going to be like some numbing or this and that. And I had to like ChatGPT like what? This is why it's. Happening well because when you're cramps there are consequences of not getting oxygen through your body. Right, Yeah, right.

28:15 So it's like a depletion of like your. Yeah, yeah, something. Like I actually felt that today on a jog. I got back to my jog and my hands felt I, I can tell it was I was not breathing properly on my jog. I don't know whether it was the music I was listening to in the podcast that it started with or ended with, but like, I got home and I was like, something's wrong. And I was like, I know it has to do with the breathing that I've been doing, you know, because I was definitely, you know, I was definitely oxygen and depleted for sure. Yeah, I can talk about how it's helped me with running as well. And this is probably going to scare people out of wanting to breathe talking about it, but like, my hands had actually like, like cramped up like that. Like as if you got the Stinger. Sure.

28:58 Creep. Yep. What is this? I haven't had this southern bloom. It's right here. It's a it's a pills near. It's a great beer. It's from Local 3 Sun Brewery. Is it going to? Be drunk before my event. Where do you want it before you go? The breathing has been phenomenal. So for me, I've tried to incorporate it in my mornings because what I feel like it does is it like raises my it, it brings me to like my highest version of myself where I think your morning habits can dictate your entire day, especially if you're someone who's like not in the best place mentally. Things aren't going your way. Like you have more reasons to be upset than you do to to be happy or. Productive.

29:43 Or productive and so while when you're unhappy, you're typically unproductive. And so addressing that at the root cause, which the breathing, what it does is it gets you to the mindset where like you tune everything else out. So you can't just tell somebody with a busy mind, especially an entrepreneur, to sit down and meditate. It's not going to happen. Your mind's wandering. You're thinking about 100 things at once. But if you go through this process of breathing and you get to that point where it's like you're just, everything's still in your mind. And then you don't even have to think about what it is you're trying to solve. But all of a sudden answers just start coming to us and it that's the craziest point. So you want to talk about my experience, the revelations that I've had?

30:25 Yes. Dude for sure. From just sitting in that stillness and then something I'm not thinking about currently, like maybe last week's problem. Yeah, boom. An answer comes to me. Yeah. And I'm like, where's that come from? Yeah. Because it, it's, I still can't explain it. I'm still trying to figure this out now. So I think I'll tell you what I think and what I've heard. Cheers. First of all, with our phones and social media and podcasts and music in your car and screens, we experience non stomp stimulus.

31:06 I don't think, I don't think our brains are meant to be responding to high intensity stimulants all the time. And that's our lives. Agree, right. And so when you're breathing or when you're stopping, I think that our breeds have developed in a sense to for, you know, to require some downtime and to require some time without stimulants. So you could like kind of rest and ponder and figure out your own thoughts and your own experiences, your own problems. You know, and like, it's like if you're jogging, no matter how good of a jogger you are, it's not going to be the same thing. And you know, it's not going to be something that's laying on the couch, you know, like, no matter how like, let's say you're a marathon sprinter and you're going for a four mile run, right?

31:51 It's not hard for you, you know, it's not hard for you. You know, you're not like working too hard, but it's not the same thing as being still hanging out of bed, you know? And so I think that like it's like, I think that the breathing is the equivalent of giving our brain an opportunity to rest and process all the things that we haven't had a chance to to process because we've been surrounded, because we're surrounding ourselves with so many stimulants. Like I decided the other day, like I realize I'm spending, I'm listening to way too many podcasts, spending way too much time on Twitter. And I'm like, I just feel like my brain isn't even my brain. I feel like I'm just like a sponge for outside information. I don't have my own way of thinking right now, right? And as I'm talking about like delete the apps, yeah. So like give myself a day or two of just like break because our phones are very good at just sending us a notification. Like, hey, you've been going too long. You are like.

32:43 Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you up to? Come hang out here for 20 minutes. And half an hour and then you end up scrolling for much longer and it's like, yeah, that's. The So I've been much more conscious to like the last week even just to like have quiet time without somebody playing in the background or to have time to read or time to just like sit and write or a time to just go for a walk without anything even jumping down the block. You know, like, just like a couple of, you know, just like 5-10 minutes and like you feel like you're getting your own life, you're getting autonomy back, you're getting your own perspective back, your own thoughts, your own, like whatever. Yeah, it gives you time in the process. It's very powerful. Thing. So what? What other realizations have you had? Well, with deep breathing, let's see.

33:26 There we go. Different reading. I've, I, I had one the other day that I don't want to talk about it because I'm waiting to see if it plays out and if it does, I will that will be like my testimony for like how effective it is. Sweet because it was just like one of those things that popped in my head and it felt like it was the extension of the plan that I had in place and the next steps just came into mind. Sweet and even since then, a couple things have like popped up that have like gone along with them like it's just it's crazy. It's crazy and I'm I'm somebody who I'm spiritual, so I believe that, you know, I don't know, it's tough for me to say because I'm what do you think? Figure all this stuff.

34:11 I want to hear. I think it opens you up to like a new like just a a higher frequency of yourself, like. Spirituality new to you You've always been spiritual. You've always been open to. Religious I was religious since high school and as a Christian was going to church when I got into the military. Had a couple experiences and a really close friend of mine who I'm still in touch with has kind of drawn me closer to my faith. Faith in God and however, once I got out of the military and this is maybe 8-9 months ago, I started kind of deconstructing my faith my.

35:00 Religion. Is it like examining? It examining it a lot further, asking more questions, not taking scripture like it's like definitive, like it's like the only and and as soon as I started questioning things is when I started feeling like I was coming across more things that like really just kind of like threw me in a pit of despair. And it was like for for me it was. It was how do you know all this is bullshit kind of thing. Yeah, and I'm someone who I take everything with a grain of salt. I'm not just like, oh, I see this, I believe this, I see this, I believe this. Like, I, I was firm in my faith and I think that that's what threw me off so much. Is that now I'm confused in my faith? Yeah.

35:42 Now I'm questioning things. Yeah. And so I still believe in in God. And the reason why is because I feel like I really had connections and things that I would give credit to to God for. So I know that that. Was real. It's because of your experience. Yeah, it's, I know it was real. Yeah. However, I just don't know if the stories that I was taught are all the certain fact. Yeah, dude. And so that's where I'm. Yeah, dude, that's that's where. I'm that's interesting. That's crazy, by the way. So it's funny you say because I've had in my life, I've had my religion, my religious perspective perspective shattered, like completely shattered probably 5 or 6 times. Really.

36:28 Yeah. And I was learning about Judaism you on the last podcast, and it's so new to me being here in Florida. I was never really, there was 1 I think, Jewish girl in my school, or at least that's what I knew about it. So I wasn't ever around it. And then find out there's a big population here in South Florida, and especially when I sold the house down the street. It was. Only families coming. Yeah, that's right. So I was learning about the holidays and the different things. And as a Christian, a lot of this stuff that like anything that doesn't fit into the boundaries is like, that's like devil worship, devil worship, like it doesn't make sense. Like it's all. And so I lived a lot of my life feeling like. Anyone that's outside of it is wrong, right? Exactly.

37:12 Like it's this or that It's tribal. Yeah, exactly. It's very tribal. And I think religion and what people like is certainty and community. And I think there are two things that all religions provide. And so it's really just who you fit with. And so for me, it was like I no longer wanted to consider myself one single thing and have certainty through that. And so I was more like, OK, let me just start reading into these other religions. And not that I'm, like, giving too much focus into it, but I want to know. I want to know what Judaism, but I don't want to know what the Muslims believe. I want to know what? Like, yeah, I want to know why they believe that and where did it begin?

37:56 And I have a whole notes page on the deconstruction of my religion videos and blogs and things I was reading. And I was. That's good. Like what led me to my decision where I'm at now? So I think that questions questions are the best thing that you can do. Yeah, and even my buddy who got me into Christianity told me like God doesn't want us to be surface level beliefs. We should question and we should like be firm in our faith because so why I started deconstructing is because I wanted to be able to answer what other people would question US want. And when I started looking into that, I started, yeah, started kind of wavering in my own like, hey, how can I be so certain?

38:44 I have to believe what I'm taught if I want to be certain. And it's just not. Yeah, you can't be. I don't think you could be. Maybe you could be. And I don't know about it, but I, my own experience, in my experience, my understanding, it's interesting because you have the Bible, you have, you know, let's say the five books of Moses, which Jews consider the Torah. That's considered like, that's where you know, and then you have a couple of collections of other things like Psalms and stuff like that, but primarily the five books of Moses, right. And in the Talmud and, and shit, I forgot where I was going with this. I totally forgot.

39:24 I lost my train of thought, but one of the thing, oh, so one of the things that, and it's funny because you, you have commentators from 1500 years ago, 2000 years ago, 2500 years ago. Let's say this is not a history book. This is not a textbook. This is truth. I don't know what that means. How could something be true and not like a history book, you know? And that's another. Religion saying it's not. True. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You know, like I, I, I don't even know what that mean. So does truth mean that the ideals are true? Does truth mean that the values are true? Does truth mean that every, it's not a history book, so it doesn't mean that every sentence literally happened, does it?

40:06 I mean, I don't know, you know, And so trying to figure out, and then you ask these questions. And first of all, people initially immediately get upset when they hear these questions, right? Because what you're doing is you're questioning the premise of which they've spent their entire life or a lot of their life, you know? Perceiving as the truth. And if that's wrong, what else is wrong, What else isn't true, or what else are you not right about? And it's too threatening to for a lot of people. A lot of people don't want to ask that question dude, rather just believe and accept it for what it is. Yeah. But I never thought about the the other side of the IS of the Israel Gaza conflict in my life until about a year ago, a year and a half ago. I never thought about in my life, you know, and I spent years in Israel, you know, collectively over the course of my life, you know, and I never knew there was more than one side and.

40:55 What do you mean by that? Like outside of like Israeli side. Yeah, outside of the Israeli perspective, like my, I grew up with the perspective that Arabs just want to kill Jews and that no one wants anyone to be there. And Israel's the only democracy in the Middle East, which I guess they are. But like, that doesn't necessarily mean that like everyone's everyone's enemy necessarily, you know. And and how about this, you know, like, I know that Hamas is bad. I don't know Palestinians that are 17 years old and, you know, were born after Hamas was elected in one time 20 years ago, that they're necessarily bad people. They deserve to suffer. And I just say these things to that to my family. And I say this to my friends. They lose their shit. They lose their shit.

41:35 You know, like how tribal can you, how tribal can you be that like the notion that someone might be innocent and that's a terrible thing, that they're getting killed is like a bad thing. Like how can you even like, and you know, and, and how can you even like argue with that, you know? And so, yeah, I feel like. Being in the military is a very similar what what you're feeling with that tribalism. I mean, you're in the military, you're supporting the USA and anybody that they're against, you're also against. And then you start kind of questioning like who's being the bully here? Or you know, the guy who's in China or Russia, you know, they might be just, they might have been forced in the military and that person and I, we might have very similar commonalities and they have a family as well. And so it's not just another face who you're going to take off the face of this planet.

42:30 Like it's like there's if we weren't at war and I travelled and we met somewhere and like that and we spoke the same language, that's a good chance we could become. Friends for sure. But because my government is saying like you're bad and like you're all this and that they, they try to lead you to believe that and, and and push that and then you end up feeling that same hatred towards that totally. I see it in the same day, like, I mean, there's people who are who are with this whole Israeli and Gaza thing, like they're, they're pushing both sides. And it's like the media is going to spin it however they want to attract whoever they want for their. Yeah, sure. And so it's, it's very tough to try and decipher and find your own way in this world.

43:12 Yeah. And I think that going through my decoupling of my faith led me to become more of my own self. Yeah. Because I was someone who is so conditioned to kind of just go through life through the guardrails and boundaries that everybody around me has put on. Like they say, you're the five people you hang out with, 10 people you hang out with, whatever. And I really believe that's true because you're if you're not someone who stands firm in your own values and beliefs and knows where you want to go, you're going to fall for anything. You're going to follow the crowd. You're going to do what you feel like society wants you to do. And I think I lived so long in my life like that before I started realizing like I need to, I need to know who I am.

43:58 And that's why I asked you if you reflect deeply reflect because I never did until I started going through this like phase. And now I take a lot of time to do breathing, to do reflecting, to try and be more intentional about life, to try and pick out those wins and learning lessons. Yeah, throughout my life. And there's a lot of, you dig up a lot of ugly things. Oh, sure. It sucks. It hurts. It hurts. It's. Really, really, really, really unpleasant. Especially because you have that own initial instinct to doubt it, you know? Like I know that can't be true like. But can't like get.

44:39 A tiny, tiny words that I get like can't it not be true? And like maybe it is true and it's like, no, you can't be right. Maybe it is right. Like all of a sudden, like you don't even know. Instinct is all state. Yeah, right. Sit there and. It's not fun. That's why a lot of people don't do it, because it's hard. Because it's really, really, really hard. Yeah. Yeah, I, I, I can't, I can't, I can't encourage writing enough. Writing helps so much. Just like steer me, you know, data if you want. I don't even look at them. Like I don't even look back on them sometimes. Like I just recently, a couple months ago, I looked back at some of the writing I did in like 2019-2020. I've been doing it for some time, yeah. Yeah, I don't even recognize why I was. That's the crazy thing. Even though I. Don't even know what.

45:20 I can't even get my head to understand how I was writing, what I was writing, what I was going through. And it's so that's why it's so important to do that. And I do you know, have you ever read Green Lights by Matthew McConaughey? No, he wrote. Matthew McConaughey wrote a book. Matthew McConaughey. Wrote a book and my fiance is the one who told me to read it. Is it good? It's so good. It's literally just like he journaled for years and years and years. And a lot of those he put in his book he knows like the photocopy of his journal and his stories throughout. And he's talking about how you look back and you see those green lights throughout your life. Like you realize where those green lights were awesome. And I was talking about this the other day with a friend, and I just started journaling. I started doing the breathing and meditating, reflecting and journaling.

46:10 And I was realizing that I was really only journaling on the bad days, like when I'm like. That makes sense. Down and I just want something to get off my mind. I go and I journal it how I'm feeling. And what's going on? That's human, by the way. It is, but that was also starting to I would journal a couple days on the good days and I realized like I normally don't go back and read them, but if I did, those encouraging days really re encouraged me because I was reading those my own voice, seeing the hope that was in me. It's like it's like if you could tell your younger self, yes, a lesson, you can just go back and like talk to them. You hear from yourself, whether it's a week ago or two years ago, you're like, OK, I did do what I wanted to do back then.

46:54 Like I, you know, I had hope and like, I things like that. But if you're only really writing down the bad days, you know, it's not always going to give you that encouragement that you're looking for, but it always gives you Peace of Mind. I think when you're done, just. Yeah, of course. Paper. And it makes you feel better. You're venting. You're venting. And by the way, that's why a lot of people, it's funny, I don't, I don't know if it's the case. I don't know if as many people would necessarily need therapy if they had close collection of friends or an ability to express what's going on in their head to themselves and they had those like skills. I think that just having like a couple of close friends that you could have like a very real and open and honest conversation with it or an and, or probably and not or, and the ability to like write to yourself, a journal, express yourself.

47:44 A lot of times a therapist is just a sounding board, like they're just like, they're just someone that you could talk to. And there's no other person on the planet that you can tell. You can't tell your mom, you can't tell your dad, you can't tell your siblings, you can't tell your friends. It's embarrassing. You don't have anyone to talk to, so you sit across with somebody and you just spill. And you're just releasing that negative end. Yeah. Yeah, you're just releasing it. And that alone makes you feel better. Yeah. Which is something I never knew. Yeah. The military allowed me or encouraged me to suppress my emotions. And so coming out of high school and we talked about this, I was like more introvert. I never learned to express my emotions. I never learned to fully express myself. And being in the military kind of sometimes naturally would allow me to do that.

48:33 And so I think it was a big part of, like, why I felt the way I was in the recent history. But it's because I wasn't fully expressing myself. And it wasn't until I started reflecting and journaling that I realized, like, the things I enjoy doing aren't. I haven't pieced them into my life. I've been so focused on work. Yeah, that when things spill out like over like, and I'm like argumentative, whatever, it's really just because I haven't taken time to like release that, let it go and, you know, talk to somebody about it, like. So I'm so impressed. It's awesome. It's such a, it's such a, such a great place to be and it's such a hard place to get to. And once you're like this far in, once you've, once you've tasted it, you can't go without it.

49:21 You know, like once you realize that like this is like a necessary part of being a healthy person, it's like, it's very hard to go back to not being like that. It's very hard to go back to. It's very, it's like you don't feel good being unintentional. You don't feel good, you know, just letting the days pass by and like not being aware of yourself, like right. Once you know that like it's so good for you and so healthy and like productive. You don't want to not be like that. You know, it's like the fact that you're here, it the odds of you going back here are pretty low, I imagine, as opposed to the odds of you going here are way higher, you know, or like you know, like you only building now. It's just a foundation. Yeah. And I think through that reflecting, it's kind of giving me the time and space to decide on what my path forward is, that what it's going to look like, and it's going to be based off of who I am, what I value, no longer what I feel like society wants me as. So.

50:16 What do you think now? So what? So, So what are some passions that you think that are popping up now in your head? We'll have to do that on Part 3. Yeah, whatever I find out because I'm, I'm really, I'm fully immersed in this phase of like, OK, my job is what's paying the bills and, and getting me by. I like it and it, I'm good at it and but it doesn't fulfill me. And I think too many people are willing to just allow that to be their life. Like I OK, it pays the bills, it doesn't fulfill me. I'm unhappy and blah, blah. But what if in that same time you had a plan to get out of that? Like what if you could start doing something on the side little by little, like finding the hobbies that you'd like so that your life isn't every day you're waking up and it's unenjoyable or you're just getting through. Because I think that's why, you know, most of our days we don't enjoy.

51:15 We don't want to go to work. We don't want to do what we want to do. And then we stay in front of our phones, TV, entertainment, all that, all the consumers. And then you wake up in 10 years and you're like, like, I'm 30 or I'm 50. Like what happened? Like. And it's getting faster and faster the more we involve technology. And so who knows? I think a passion of mine is just spreading this knowledge. Like, yeah, it's fun. It's so new to me, but it's been so impactful to me that I want more people to know about it. And I well. We'll do as many podcasts as you want to do it anytime you want. Yeah, just keep. We'll keep on. We'll keep on rolling that if they're fun. I'll be honest, one of the things that has been life changing night and day for me has been Toastmasters.

52:03 Have you ever heard of that? I've heard the name. Actually it's. Not a breakfast club, I promise, but it's it's a speaking club, OK. And it's a big reason why I'm even willing to do this podcast with you because being an introvert, not being confident in my voice, all of that took a change for the best once I joined Toastmasters. OK. And so my experience with Toastmasters when I was 2019, I'm in Korea and there is I'm in the military and there's a newcomers briefing. So when I first got there, I had to sit in this auditorium and hear from these different speakers talking about their jobs and what how it affects us for the one year time we're in Korea.

52:43 You can't drink off based. You have to do that. You know, there's all these rules and they want, is that a? Role you can't drink off based. Well, you can't have an open container and they tell you like the the medical team will be like 3 drinks per hour this or that like you like there's like they try to tell you how you should drink to not be like, yeah, I gotcha that. Yeah. So the tables later in my time there, I was now one of the people who had to come present for my job. Nice. And I never public speak like it was it was not a thing for me. So and I was super nervous about it. Like when they was it would come up, Hey, who's going to go do the no comers brief for us this way? Can you? Describe the anxiety you felt. Dude, dude, you feel in your chest, you feel in the back. I feel the bottom of my throat sometimes, you know, like. My hands are sweaty, back is sweaty. I'm like, my heart is you feel about the thumping. God, my heart is thumping and I'm just like reciting what I'm going to say.

53:41 So here's how it went down. I got told I dodged it too many times and now I have to step up and do the briefing. It's me and one other guy and we have a slideshow for what we have to go present on. And it's probably about 150 people in this auditorium. And, and I'm sitting there, I know I'm up next. And so my heart's dropping more, more and more kills me. And I'm running. I don't need to know everything because I have slides, right? But I need to be able to introduce myself, right? So I go up there. I'm Staff Sergeant Lauer, right? And the guy beside me, I say, good morning, everybody, I'm Staff Sergeant Lyons. And this is Staff Sergeant Lauer. And then I mean, I'm Staff Sergeant Lauer. This is Staff Sergeant Lyons.

54:28 Instead of just letting it go because no one would know, I corrected it and I immediately blacked out turn turn my back to the crowd because I realized how bad I just messed up. And I'm like profusely sweating down my back just reading slides and like, dude, I totally. Harem, I understand where you're coming from. I couldn't. Wait to get out of there. I was so embarrassed. Getting your name wrong is the worst thing. It happens, dude. I had like 3 things to say and I swear. To God. I couldn't even get my name right. So I used to so my name, you know, I'm a frien and I sometimes go by Effie and you know, and so and I'm not at all my family. Hirshman's are notorious for folding under pressure. We're bad pressure people.

55:14 We're great when there's no pressure. We're terrible under pressure. And I introduced myself to new people in high school and I was going back and forth between a fry and Effie. I'm like, nice to meet you, like say anything. I was like, oh fucking can you get my name right? Dude, I sound like an idiot. The. Same boat then? Yeah, dude. So after that experience, I had a buddy come up to me. He's like, hey man, you want to join Toastmasters with me? I'm like Toastmasters. No, I I'm not joining a breakfast club. What is that? And he's like, it's a public speaking crew. And I said, dude, dude, don't ever bring up public speaking to me again. I don't want anything to do with it. I'm never doing it again. I, I had such a bad experience. And this is 2019. I moved here in 2022.

55:58 And so about a year ago, it felt like one of those things that just like oddly like popped into my mind was like Toastmasters. And I know that it's a global thing. You could find, you could skip a stone and hit a club around you because they're all around and it's very low, cheap membership. And I reached out to two clubs. One got back to me and I was like, this is through a series of things. I was like, this is like a calling, Like I need to go check it out. I need to set aside my worries and go check it out. And from the first day, they made me get up and speak. And it was just like, how do you like the club? Tell us a little bit about yourself. Like, they were encouraging me.

56:40 And I was like, this is what I came for, to like, yeah, work out this anxiety and this fear in front of a crowded fear of, like, my own. Skills that you could like, Would you? Would you, Would you? What are some tangible skills that you could pass along, you think? Using your body language speaks more than 50% of your message. Never knew it, never knew it. Your tonality. Emphasizing learning. I'm a fast talker naturally because I feel like no one's listening to me. I'm speaking confident, huge. If I'm not confident in my voice, I don't think anyone else is listening or I'm afraid I'm going to cut off. So I speak through everything quick, learning to take it slower, use a little bit of pause, use my body gestures, pacing. And then also how to frame what you're going to say with like a setup, setting it up, having your introduction, your like meat and potatoes of it and having a conclusion. Every message should have a message. To her, to it you.

57:40 Know it should have a meaning to it. So even for somebody who's already confident in their voice and is like, oh, I can go speak on a stage, no worries. Not to scare at all. They'll go up and they'll Babble, they'll just say a bunch of things and then there's not much context or like much behind it. And I think that even those people can really benefit going through something like this. So for me, I've just become more comfortable. Like I've become more comfortable in my own skin and find some voice. I feel much better and I've learned so many different techniques along the way, and it's only been a year. Yeah. And I learned, dude, you're gonna. Be dude, you're gonna be great at this, man. Just give it dude. I'm excited to see where you're gonna head with this because what you're doing from at least from the outside looking in, I don't know what the inside looks like right from the outside looking in the things that you're doing for yourself, for your development, which is questioning your premises that you were raised on. I think it's important not even to deviate from them, just to question them, just to be like, where did he come from? How do I know about it?

58:41 And then yeah, exactly. So for example, right. Like I'm, I'm religious and I've always asked. I, I, I, I've actually, it's not true. I've never thought to ask a question until one of my friends asked me like, why do you do what you do? I was in, I was in Israel for the year, I was taking a year between high school and college. And I had a friend who's like, why do you do Judaism? And I was like, I don't know. And I was like, I literally, I was like, I, I got defensive before I even realized the answer is I don't know. And then I was like, because my parents taught me that it's the right thing to do. And like, it has to be right. Like, you know, and he's like, so because your parents say it's right, that makes it right. Your parents tell you to jump off the roof. It's the right thing to do.

59:23 If your parents tell you to, you know, do whatever. Like, so that's like, oh, shit. I was like, why do I do what I do? Yeah. And that and that. And that was like the beginning. But but I was always looking to understand I wasn't so there. I think there are people that their instinct is to look for reasons to not do things. And then there's instincts to understand why you do what you do, right? And those are two fundamentally different things, right? Like my dad asked me to do something I don't like, want to deal with a controller around the house, go to the DMV and get my car re registered or go take my car for an inspection, right? I don't, I will think of a breakdown analytically, reasons to not go, oh, I don't have time.

1:00:03 I got my kids, I got blah, blah, blah. I can't do this now. I got work to do that. Those are reasons to not do something. And then you or you can have my dad asked me to do this and try to understand what he's saying. He's saying is I'm paying your bills. I'm going to work to put food, to put food on the table. I don't have the time at the moment to do this and I've spent 30 years raising you. Would you mind taking 20 minutes of your time to please go ahead and and and make my life a little easier if you don't mind after, you know, after all this like, Oh shit, I'm happy to do that. Right. That sounds awesome. You know, it's a good it's it's it's understanding why you're doing something as opposed to look, as opposed to reasons to avoid them.

1:00:44 So I think my lot. So there are times when people will say, oh, it started questioning things and wondering things. A lot of times it's about looking to throw off that responsibility or to like avoid that burden. But the people that like, you'll meet a lot of people that will question things and they seem to cut out better and stronger and more ferociously deep and like real and authentic. And you're like, how did you even get there? And you're like, because I questioned everything. But like I, and I want to understand why I do what I do or how to, how to go about it. And some things might change, but a lot, a lot will probably be the same. You know, I was on fire for Christianity. Like I was going to church, I was going to like Christian businessmen's groups, everything I was trying to involve myself with because I, I know that each time I moved from base to base in the military, I was able to select a new group of friends. I was able to like, I always believed who you're around is like a big influence in your life. And so as I went through seasons, I would try and bring around people that I knew were good influences. And being here, I was on, I was all in on my faith and I really wanted to absorb myself with that. And it was when I started questioning that that I was like, you almost feel guilty for questioning and like you're. Fortunately, just guilt is the most common form of guilt in the history of of the universe.

1:02:09 Dude, it's tough. Yeah, Yeah, it's tough. How do you grapple with guilt? I'm learning a lot about just like self forgiveness and not trying to like you can't change the past. I saw something recently that was like so simple but so profound and impactful. It was like a little chart that shows like OK, like yes or no, and it goes to the next things. It's like, is this something you can change? Yes. OK, make the change, figure it out. Like do something. About it, Don't sweat it. No, well then don't let it bother you and bog you down. Like it's, it's so simple, but it's so hard to follow cases because we want to just ponder and let things consume us.

1:02:56 But in reality, it's like, if you can't do anything about it, what's worth letting it just ruin your day? And like. I'm pretty good about that. It's it took me it took me years off things that I know that I can control even if they bother me right? Like I don't even want to I you know if. There's things how to manage your emotions too, like it's a big part of that I think. Yeah, well, I think it's what? So the example of the metaphor that I've always heard of is that like the forest and the tree metaphor you've heard that, that if you're looking at if you're looking at a forest, you can't focus on the specific trees. You see the beauty of the big picture. But when you're zooming into a particular tree, you can't see the whole, the whole forest, right?

1:03:39 And there are points in life where you have to focus on the tree. And there are points in life, you have to focus on the forest. You know, there are points in life where like you're like, this particular moment sucks, but I have a forest of my life that is amazing, you know, And so I'm going to take a step back and bask in the whole picture or this is a particular moment that's particularly important and beautiful. And I want to zoom in on this experience. You know, like the day I got married, everyone says their weddings are like blackout events and not just because of drinking because, you know, like everything happens so fascinating to Russian, like, and I got married relatively late to compared to the rest of my world, my friends, the Orthodox Jewish world, you know, guys. And then you typically end up being married by 22 to 25. And I got married at 26, right?

1:04:29 So I was like towards the end, towards the later peak of my friends and I was like, and I didn't care when I got engaged. I was like, I didn't care about anything. I'd get married in my backyard with a couple of hot dogs and hamburgers. I can get married in the hall. I don't care. I just, you know, like I, I, I, I'm excited to spend my life with my wife. And I was like my wedding day. I just want to be present. I just want that to be the tree. I just want to be able to like have this tree where I like look at my wedding day as it could day that I was extra present. Yeah. You want to be able to relive it in your mind over and over again. Yeah. Out of feeling like a just a like. A blackout. Yeah. You know, like a rush, like, just like a blank rush of like everything. And then and then you have moments. And I actually said this to my wife. I said this to my wife when he first got married, too. I was like, our life is going to. We're going to have like these moments that are not fun or pleasant.

1:05:18 Like we're going to fight. We're going to have like hard weeks, months or even years over the next until, until one of us were dead, right? Or God forbid, something else, you know? But as I get to remember that these are only like sentences in a paragraph in a chapter in a book. That's our relationship. Serious of. Yeah, exactly. That's that. That's our life. That's our relationship. And I was like, so and I was like, and and so we have to and and you know, we bicker, you know, but like we don't get into like these huge fights where we don't talk for days on edge or anything like that because both of us like more good about saying this is a sentence in a paragraph in a chapter, you know, then like.

1:06:03 Everything. Will fall into its place and we'll work it out and we'll make it happen. But like, and right now, it's not easy. Right now, this sentence is a particularly unpleasant sentence to speak or swallow or deal with. But at the end of the day, it's part of the story. And like, the overall story is amazing, you know? And so that was really awesome. Yeah, At the end of the day, I'd say that intentionality in your relationship is very important because it's important to be the relationship together. And also your individuals, like you guys have hobbies and interests. And I think as you grow through life, you go through different seasons, you have different interests, which if you're not intentional, then those interests will help, will make you grow apart.

1:06:50 And that's why we have such a high divorce rate. But if you're intentional to realize like, hey, like you change in this way, I change in this way, but we have grounded values and things like, that's why values are so wow. They so happy to say that to you. Because people change. I'm not the same person I was in the beginning of my relationship with my fiance. She's not the same person she was. But I still love her and I love watching her grow. And you have to, you have to love the person that you met and the, and the person that you know they're becoming. And so that's why I think it's important because you know that people are going to change. They all do. But it's it's having that communication and that intentionality that helps you kind of change together and, and ride the wave of life together. And I think also having the same shared sense of goals because like, for example, if your goal let's, you know, different people, different goals, some people do outreach, some people are goals to raise a happy family, you know, raise kids and like when their marriage is hard and their relationship is not great and whatever, we're going through a rough patch, What's going to keep you under the same roof? What's going to keep you guys together? It's going to be your shared goal. So you're going to be like, listen, at the moment it's hard with you.

1:08:06 It's hard, you know, but but you and I both are invested enormously in the same thing. So like, what do we do to make this work because both of us want the same outcome. Like I, I think that you have to have, I think that having a mutual goal keeps people honest. Like in business, right? If you have a business and the, and the mutual goal is for both of you guys to support your families, then both of you guys are going to hustle the same amount. You know, if one guy has three kids or five kids and one kid is is single and has a dog, the amount that one guy's going to work is very different than the other guy's going to work. And resent, resentfulness is probably going to build up at its own point. And like, you know, but like if they both have the same kind of listen, our goal is to reach X amount, you know, to reach people, to make the world a better fit place, then it doesn't make a difference how much money you have or not. Like you feel like you're accomplishing your particular goal that you're trying to accomplish. And if your goal with your spouse is to raise families to make the world better, is to both, you know, travel, you know, whatever it is, you know, like there has to be something above just like how I feel about you right now. Right, right.

1:09:12 That's why I think too many people, the divorce rate is high because we have too many. People, it's like 60%, yeah. It's crazy. It's probably up to 60% now. Too many people, they just, they're not willing to have those hard conversations. They're willing to base solely off the feeling in the moment. Or relationships are good or they die, or you stop. Investing in it. You stop investing in it. I think that's a huge thing that's hard. And I'm somebody who's very like self discovery, self improvement, always like looking on ways I can change myself and sometimes I think maybe I bring that too much into my relationship on like ways that we could do better. But it is important to reflect and say, hey, like just to check in, like, hey, how, how are we doing? Like how, what could I do better? Because maybe I'm doing something else. I'm minding my own business, do whatever. And maybe I'm not picking up on that like you're unhappy or in that in your own way or whatever. And so it's good to to have those. Fun.

1:10:11 Those checks are checking. Yeah. And they, they call it. My wife describes it as as dating through marriage, but like you're continuing to date. Like when you're dating someone and you're on your third date or fifth day or 10th day, you're like, you know, you're like, So what do you think? You know, how do you feel about this or how you feeling today? You know, like you stop asking those questions eventually, you know, and you're like, you shouldn't like you have to like you have to put effort into continue to do that. But it's not natural, you know? I know because you get so comfortable. Yes. And you take it for granted and it's complacent and it's. Yeah, yeah. And also you start to take, I think the other thing is when you take a relationship for granted, you invest more in the relationships that aren't for granted, Right. So like, why do we treat siblings so much worse than we treat our friends Friends, Yeah. Or why do we treat our, you know, our our teachers better than we treat it with more respect in our parents? You know, it's because these are relationships that like, you know that if you don't invest in it, it'll fall apart with a parent or with a sibling or with a spouse that you married for 30 years.

1:11:10 You know, they're not going anywhere. You know that nothing's happening. You guys are all blood. You guys are all family, You guys are all whatever. So like, OK, you know, like I went, I, I have some amount of effort. I want to invest that effort in a relationship that I'm not sure will pan out. But you can lose those relations. You can lose those you know, relationship with your siblings, with your parents, or with your spouse. God forbid you know and like you don't want. That place in for sure, yeah. I totally did not imagine this conversation was going to go this way, but I love it. This is fun. We've had a variety of topics now. Last time was so much about my career. This was really in depth on just like life, because I think this is one of those things I was talking about that I was just, I wasn't having this connection with a lot of people.

1:11:54 So I appreciate just being here and and being able to. Like that's the point of this man. That's the point of this podcast. 1 of this podcast is for like legit, legitimate, real thoughts and conversation and to encourage people to have them themselves. Like that's like the goal. The goal is to like it'll like. So it started actually, I had a friend of mine, David Izzo is his name and I spent the gap year with him and we were friends kind of lost touch, kind of got back in touch every now and then. The beginning of COVID in 2019, I was living in Seattle and he actually, I went to ask you about California after, but and he and he texted and I saw that he posted that he started a podcast called Don't worry about it. And it was a mental health podcast. And he started with like everyone does with a group of his friends that he started recording episodes with. And I knew all these guys and I did not know any of the stuff they were talking about, You know, they were talking about their insecurities, they're talking about their anxieties, they're talking about, you know, the challenges they're having with, you know, and I mean, I've been with these guys throughout these phase in their lives and I didn't even know that they're going through this.

1:12:57 I just thought they were these like 1 dimensional, you know, whatever, you know, douchebags see whatever it was, you know, and, and I was like, whoa, there's so much more to so many people and I had no idea. But it also gives you permission to acknowledge that, like, life is hard and like, it's OK that life is hard and like, it's hard to make your way through. And like, the more that you know that other people are going through that as well, the more you you could forgive yourself. You forgive for. Understanding that it's hard. To say, OK, I'm not the only one in a shit show and then maybe I can't dig my way out or at least keep working day by day because I'm not the only one. Definitely. I think there's a lot of men especially who are just not willing to open up and be vulnerable.

1:13:41 Me being one of them. For many years, it was like a badge of honor to suppress my emotions because I thought it would make me better at my job if I had to get to that point of like some like, you know, being in war. And like, I knew that if I the less emotion I had, the easier would be for me to get through because they say, you know, to get you don't learn to get through hard shit without going through hard shit. And so I was all in on let's get through the hard shit that's put hard shit in our life so I can just be this invincible person. So when I got out of the military, I thought I was bulletproof. I thought there's no like nothing.

1:14:21 You think a lot of vets are like that? I think, like I said, I think every vet will go through this silent battle with themselves. And I think it depends on the level of like identity you took in the military. Like for me it was everything and it gave me so much and I had so much pride in it. And so trying to build a life without having that as part of it became difficult. Like if I don't see myself as the same as it like a realtor, for example, a lot of these people are chasing Commission checks. They're they're, they're materialistic, they're money hungry. They're all about selling people and buying nice things.

1:15:03 And that's none of me. I don't want that life. I, I was for my first year, 2 years, I was just burning off of motivation and, and I'm willing to hustle. I'm doing this for my family. I'm doing this for growth. Like I can get through anything and hurdle. And then you're like, I'm unfulfilled. And this is like, I think veterans and and a lot of people who bottle things up. Yeah. Your biggest war is from within. Yeah. You're, you're gonna tear yourself. Do you do? You have to listen to Springsteen, man. Do you ever listen to Springsteen? I like what songs? So. My problem is that you can put it on and OK maybe I know that song but I'm terrible with knowing lyrics and names. OK, so the so so I want I'll send you Springsteen has an album called Darkness on the Edge of Town and it was the next.

1:15:53 So he basically he had two albums that were not very successful, even though he's a great musician. Then he had Born to Run, which everyone knows. Born to Run was like an American like. Album awesome song. I I definitely know maybe. We were born to run, and there's also born in the USA. That's the other one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. That one, and that was actually about the Vietnam War, about the about how crappy the Vietnam War was. But so but so. And his experience was his writing experience and his and his music was primarily based on the community he grew up in, which was a very blue collar, poor, downtrodden part of Central Jersey. And Darkness of the Edge of Town is an album with the lyrics and the music are people going through the heartbreak of like day-to-day life where their dreams are just evaporating in front of their eyes and just floating off into the air and they just have no hope left and it's just gone. And a combination of that and songs of like, I don't give a shit how hard today is, I'm going to make it happen, you know?

1:17:02 And like the ups and downs that people experience. The album's a combination of the two of them. You. Know listening to it on my way home it is so. Deep and so powerful and I. Love that and I love the deep conversations like what you and Chris are talking about, like so many things that I'm not good at the Subsurf, like the surface level conversations, the small talk, I'm better at it, but I love these deep conversations where like you truly learn something or feel a different way. Most people like it. I can't imagine. I can't imagine people don't like. I think people don't know how to get there. I think people don't know how to get there or they're not willing to like bring up those, Congress those. Those yeah, it also because it's hard and also in order to be deep, you got to do work and doing the work is hard. It's also hard, I think to, or at least this is what I'm going through now where I'm like trying to figure out like the way to approach it.

1:17:56 Because now that I feel like what we were talking about, like with the meditation and these types of things that can kind of re ground people and give them new perspective. Yeah, it's a lot of people don't want it Like they're, they're not open to doing that kind of work. They're afraid of it, dude, I'm too, I'm too. I the reason I didn't do a breath work class yet is because I'm afraid. I, I don't know what I'm about to experience, you know, like I know when I smoke a jade. What about the experience? I know, I know when I'm having a doing a podcast like this and having a deep conversation, I know what I'm getting myself into. You know, like I've done this before. It's familiar. It's okay. A lot of people, if they haven't done it before. That's the excitement of life is doing the things you've never done before, but. You got to teach people that too. You got to teach we have to learn how to be Americans where America is.

1:18:46 The premise of it is risk. America is risk takers. It's people that are just like willing to go out there and because. We're born on the we're land of immigrants who took risk to down here, Yeah, generations took risk to be here, to make something and. Expansion is fucking crazy. In our blood food. But that's why that's what like upsets me is to see so many people living day-to-day yes now. American Spirit. I feel like it's being suffocated. It's being suffocated. There's a blanket. There's a blanket of what I think personally is technology. As I was saying this with Chris also yesterday, I feel like we've created these little bubbles around ourselves, especially when we're in public.

1:19:27 Like these tiny little bubbles have like a couple of feet that people just, it's not socially acceptable to, like, invade that bubble. Yeah. You can't say hot, it can't be with sound, it can't be with looks, it can't be with jet. Someone can be sending next to you for half an hour and you will not make eye contacts one time in the supermarket or the DMV, right? You won't say what's up, how you doing how's your day going? What are you doing here? You know what are you shopping for in? Florida is even worse you. Think so? Oh. Yeah, dude, you go to my fiance and I will travel to like somewhere where it's like West or like more country and yeah, and. Oh country. Country, yeah. Like they're, they say hi, how are you? And like when I moved to Florida, I was trying to be intentional about being more social, more outgoing. So when I would go out on a run, I would wave. I do that too.

1:20:15 I was like, do people think I'm going to kill them like I would and they would like look down to the side and I'm like, whoa. I'm like I I wish I would have just looked off to this. We're. Afraid of We're afraid of other people. Yeah, we're really afraid of other people. It really it, it actually stresses me out now because like, and I go out of my way now, like, man, I was by 7 right by the Hard Rock. I was. I was going to West Hollywood. So I was I was going to make. I was, I was I was going down 7 and by that big intersection before you cross to the Hard Rock Cafe. And I was like, not in Cafe to the parking lot. And there's a woman there that was, you know, a homeless woman that was holding up a sign.

1:20:55 Need help. And it was it was a nice day. It was a couple of months ago. My windows were rolled down. I didn't want to roll up my windows and like be obnoxious, right? And like treat like, you know, act like she was like an animal or something like that. And so, you know, she she was asking for help and I like, I was gonna ignore her. So I smiled at her and I was like, I'm sorry. I don't have any cash or anything. Yeah, you know, I'd love to I'm sorry. And she was like, that's alright. And then she kept on going and then she came back like right before the light change. She's like, I just want to say the fact that you like smiled at me and said like sorry and like good luck means everything to me. Like I don't get that ever right. And like she and she said it to me. I'm like, that's crazy. You know I used. To try and carry around little waters for those. Yeah.

1:21:36 Dude, hey, like I don't, I don't, I don't always give out money, but like if I can give you a. Yeah, what about or something? Like that one guy where I used to live would be at the light, and the light took forever, and he'd come up and I think I gave him money one time so that I could have a conversation with him and just, like, talk to him. Yeah. What's going on? And we like became like friendly in that way. I would see him and just be like, hey, man, like what's going on? How you doing? He's like out here living life like the one time I'm walking home and I saw him get some money. Like I'm walking from a restaurant down the street. I'm coming this way and I saw him out. He's got some money. He goes off the side, puts a sign down, falls out a crack pipe smokes it.

1:22:18 No way. And as he's as he's looking over, as he's blowing up the smoke, he sees me. I wave over to him like, hey, what are you out here trying to get it, man? And I'm like, well, you know, I. Was just like friend sent me a meeting yesterday. He was you know I gave, I gave to me was I gave 5 dollars $5 to a homeless to a homeless guy. Yesterday a stranger started lecturing me he's going to buy alcohol and drugs in it. I'm like, what do you think I'm going to be there? Yeah, it's going to J man. Yeah, at least he needs it more than. So funny, dude, that's so funny.

1:23:01 Northern California. Where were you there? I was in where it's called Fairfield by Vacaville. It's about 30 minutes east of San Francisco. Gotcha. Yeah, so like, you could fly into San Francisco. Spot before you. Fly into oof. I don't know, like you're saying the highway. Yeah, Yeah, I don't know the highways. I'm telling you, I couldn't tell you the highways here besides 95 and. Yeah, the Thruway, there's only two highways. Yeah, I drove, I so I drove from Seattle to San Francisco, OK in a. So probably, probably that probably. The merge you're talking about. Yeah, no. So there's inland, there's inland, which is like basically there's, there's two, there's two highways going down into it. From the bottom and the right, I think, to San Francisco to San Francisco, right.

1:23:49 And if it went N, but there's two there. So Hwy. 5 is inland. Hwy. 1 is by the water just like it is here. And like like there's one in one at east and West Coast or one-on-one. So I was driving from Seattle, so I took 2 two hours. I took four hours total out of my way. I drove 2 hours to 1, like West to the to the Pacific, to the Pacific Ocean. And then I drove down and then I had to actually go to San Francisco. I. Didn't spend a lot of time in San Francisco. Actually, it was. It was COVID. Man, everything was shut down. Everything. Yeah, my fiance was visiting. I was ever doing COCA too, actually. Really. Yeah. That's when I came to visit. Dude, I went to that park by the that overlooks the bridge. You know what I'm talking about there. It's a big running spot.

1:24:35 That was me and my fiance over taking pictures. Oh, no way. That's to. Me, dude, it's so funny there. We such because she was in her master's degree and it was COVID and all the school went online, so she spent a month out with me. It was amazing, but it was quite an experience while we were there. My I had only been there for like a week and I had just came from Korea, so we had spent nine months apart from each other. So when I got to Cali, she had flown out to to be with me. Yeah, while we were there there was wildfires. So we're both new to the area. I. Actually know exactly what you're talking about because those wildfires that summer, that was the summer of 2020, I think, right?

1:25:16 Yes, yeah, those, those wildfires went all the way up to Seattle and they were literally, I mean, you could see Mount Rainier from my from my house and you could not see 20 feet. It was crazy I was out of your house like it before. I have pictures that look like from the Redmi Instagram filter. From that whole area, the whole. Somebody like flipped a cigarette off the highway and it lit on fire. Is that what it? Was I believe so, or at least that's what the fire before it was. But that's a big, it's just like a random like brush fire that only happening. So we had only been there a couple days and now the whole base is getting evacuated because they're like, it's about to blow across. They already flew out all the planes like, wow, FEMA is like coming in. They're like, you have to leave the base like, and nobody can stay here unless you're emergency personnel. We had hung out a little bit.

1:26:05 Traffic was really bad getting off and we ended up going, you know how they have hurricane parties here? We were having like a wildfire party. Like we're drinking on base. We're like, I'm going to die. Well, my fiance did not like that. So she said let's get out of here. We've waited long enough. So we'd like to went up at a friend's house, but you would turn on your AC in your car. Yeah. And smoke was like tell you not to turn on your AC because it looked like it's snowing outside. It was actually just the ash, like landing on your car. Just ash. I'm like, this is insane. The sky is bright orange. You can't see far too hazy. Everything but dude it. Travels thousands of miles. It travels.

1:26:46 It travels all the way through Oregon up to up through Washington. I mean, it's crazy. It's it's they can't, they can't contain it fast enough. Yeah, it was a wild experience for sure. It shows how futile things are a lot, a lot of times for people, yeah, you know, really crazy. So. So when it was. COVID, we went to San Francisco, right? And you know the pier. Yeah, sure, the fisherman's dwarf. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I don't remember the number of it, but like the sea lions are there. You can see Alcatraz, Yeah, from there. So we were disappointed because we wanted to see Alcatraz and it was all closed down. We did see the sea lions, but literally that pier was. Dead. There was like nobody out there. All the shops are closed down. So that was our only day in San Francisco. We went by the bridge. We took pictures at that park. Yeah.

1:27:27 What's what's funny is it's like you crossed over the bridge to San Francisco. It's like 1015�� colder. It's yeah. Isn't that crazy how they have? It's like insanely, it's like we were prepared for this. It was hot, dude. It's so funny that you say that. So have you ever heard of Crater Lake? Do you know what that is? So Crater Lake was a volcano that thousands of years ago erupted and it's since been inactive and it's filled up since with, with rainwater. So it's the world's like deepest lake technically, because it's the, it's a lake, the lake the, the, the, the depth of a volcano, right? And it's in Oregon. It's just north, just north of California. And while we're driving, it was probably 105�� in the California desert going to Oregon. And we start and we start heading up to Crater Lake within 1520 minutes of snow on the ground. And I'm like, what is this dude?

1:28:21 Yeah, dude. I'm in love with the West Coast. I love the West Coast. And like I. I wish I would have done more while I was out there. It was one of my biggest regrets being in the military, not exploring, you know, the areas. Go with your fiance. You know what you should do? Go for a trip if you can. I don't know how you and when you can make it. Dude. Yeah, take a trip and take your time from Seattle down to San Francisco. But there's all these little like beach towns along the along the Pacific, along the Pacific Coast. And there's the coolest places to stop. And they're so nice and the people are incredible. And the landscape and this terrain is always changing. There's black beaches, there's forest, there's there's regular beaches. The Pacific's pretty cold.

1:29:02 That happens to be. It's not like a swimming kind of thing, but. Running the water while I was there. Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's not. I know it's cold. Yeah, it's not fun. Yeah, but yeah, dude, I, I can't, I can't recommend the West Coast highly enough for like nature and like incredible travel and like, just like you have to spend any money just like rent a car and just like to drive up and down, you know, like it's. Incredible. It's one of my favorite places to run. Was where I lived in California. Because it was just like an open land, like one. It was a road that just like nobody really went back. It was like farm fields on both sides. And there's just so much more of that because there's more land.

1:29:42 I never ran, like I ever ran on the West Coast. Yeah, I did run against Seattle, dude, I'd run, I'd run 5-6 miles a day, seven days a week. I just like, I loved it. Like it was just like, like you said, the scenery and the nature and yeah, I do. West Coast life is good. Do you still run that much? No, now I now I run. Sorry, run. I run. I do I I I run every day. I don't do jujitsu and I only run 4 miles now. I'm not looking. Cleaner. Have you done like a marathon? No, I'm not. Looking to I looked I I I jog because it's challenging for me so like I like that mental like challenge and just to be healthy like there's.

1:30:22 There's nothing like a rhyme to clear your mind. Yeah, dude, you. Like it's crazy. Just working out in general, like going to the weight room, going to jujitsu, things like that, That's all. It's all good and fun, but there's just something different about actually going out for a run. You don't even have to. But it's meditative. It's meditative, yeah. That's, that's really what it is. It's just you alone in your thoughts and you're like able to push through and. And it took me years to to start running like I've actually I, I, I. Realize walk. Even just going off a walk by yourself, you get the same meditative feeling, Yeah. Yeah, I started jogging. I, I didn't realize it even, but like about 10 years ago and when I started, I would go 2 1/2 minutes on the treadmill and then I'd walk. Then I'd go another 2 1/2 minutes and I'd walk again. And like, I had, no, I had no stamina. I know a lot of people that are very discouraged by like, you know, they can't just start.

1:31:16 That's The thing is like people, too many people think that they need to hit the ground running and be able to do 5 miles whatever. Like if you start and you have to walk and then the next day you walk a little bit further. We talked about this last time. Or if that was bite sized winds. Don't, don't compare yourself to everybody else or where you want to be. You got to start somewhere. Compare yourself to anywhere yesterday. Yeah, exactly. If that's a short walk and then tomorrow you do a shorter or or a little bit longer to walk, eventually you're going to get to a job, especially you're going to get to a run. Yeah, but you have to start somewhere. And. People are afraid to take that that risk or start. Life is just, life is just about who's willing to go longer before quitting than everyone else.

1:31:58 Yeah, that's it. And. Everything. It's just who's the. Yeah, who's who's the last guy to quit? You know, who's the last guy to call it out? We talked about that last time, too. Yeah, but that was that was, that was great. Dude, I'm gonna let you go because you got to make your but I know you're having a great time, so we'll get you some we'll get some water in you and we'll we'll get you running. Dude. Thanks so much for coming, man. I really appreciate it and this is always there's always a ton of fun. Thank you of. Course. Catch you soon. Awesome.